Cinnamon raisin with cream cheese

I was nervous as we were driving up there. I kept looking at the directions over and over again, even though I had them memorized the moment we pulled out of the driveway. We left the kids at my mom's because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I felt conflicted leaving them, knowing what a source of happiness they are for my grandmother. I promised her I would bring them soon to visit.

My heart was in my stomach as I walked up to the front door of the building. Josh had come with me, which I was grateful for. I did not want to do this alone. I am not sure what I expected, but I do recall my first thought was that it did not smell bad, much to my relief. I found my grandmother quickly, and after having a bite to eat that I'd brought for her (a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese, always her favorite), we headed outside to sit in the sun for a little bit. It was calm. Josh went for a walk to give us a little privacy and we talked, about playing cards and making pies and my kids. I asked her if she knew when she was forgetting stuff. She said sometimes. She said there were times when she could almost remember stuff and other times it was just completely gone. Several time I felt like I might cry, but I was afraid if I started I might n to be able to stop, so I just kept talking.

I had been wondering for awhile what level of recognition she had about her condition. She thinks she forgets stuff sometimes but its not too bad. She thinks she can live on her own still. Rather than contradict her, I told her that we feel this is the safest place for her to live right now and maybe we reevaluate in a couple weeks if there is a better place for her. Today my mother will visit her. She probably will not remember that I was there. That doesn't bother me anymore. A friend sent me an article on Alzheimer's which was truly fascinating. One of the many things I learned from it was that it doesn't matter if the Alzheimer's patient remembers a specific conversation or visit, if it was a positive experience they still benefit from it.

So I will keep trying to connect with her every time I see her, because even if she forgets me as soon as I leave, the love and kindness I show her will remain, long after her memory is gone.