I don't embrace her the same way I used to, a fact that causes me shame. As a child I was like a lap cat with my grandmother. When I got too big to sit in her lap I'd settle for sitting on the floor and resting my head in her lap or sitting next to her and holding her hand. Now when I go to see her, I kiss her on her forehead, not on her cheek or on the lips. I hug her, but awkwardly so because of her wheelchair.
Many memories I have are associated with smell, the smells of pies baking and leaves burning and coffee brewing early in the morning. My grandmother smells like a stranger to me. Her skin feels differently, her hair is almost always unbrushed.
There is a sweet little old lady named Carmela at the nursing home who always says hello to me when I come. She likes my kids and they like her. I overheard her telling someone today that I was Josephine's granddaughter. "She comes all the time and has a lot of children" is how she described me. It made me smile. I often look at her enviously, wishing my grandma could be more like her. She is so kind, 90 years old and very with it, chatting and smiling in her neat little cardigan, not cheap with a smile or a wave.
My grandmother is cranky and anti-social and always remembering less. She yelled at me today to not bring my son (who I had left at home) until I brushed his hair. She obsessed with everyones hair. Mine is always too long and usually the wrong color for her. My kids act like I'm trying to kill them when I try and run a comb through their hair, so that's a fight I save for school days.
I left today's visit feeling a twinge of guilt, feeling like I'd rushed through my visit, just kind of went through the motions. I was finding it hard to carry both ends of the conversation, which is usually the case. She was never really like kind old Carmela with a heart open to everyone. She was more guarded. A tougher nut to crack. But with her and I it was always different, so easy. We have always been like two old friends that could pick up where the other one left off, sharing meals and jokes and the love of "The Golden Girls". Sitting with her today, I wanted her to pick up where I left off, but those days are long gone.
