We didn't vote on that

I looked around at all of the people on the train this afternoon and found it hard to imagine that all of these people were once someone's baby. All of these people kept someone up all night and cut teeth and took a first uncertain step with someone who loved them standing by to cheer them on.

It reminds me of how I was feeling yesterday when I visited my grandmother in the nursing home. I looked around at the mostly women in the diningroom and imagined that they were all once like me. They fell in love and got married. Their bodies made babies and raised children. They had jobs and dreams and disappointments. And now these bodies, that have been theirs since the day they were born, have failed them. They are almost all wheel chair bound. Their hands and spines have begun to bend into c curves, reminding me of fragile birds.

I was joining my grandmother and her two table mates for dinner last night. Jackie and Eileen were their names. Jackie has a deep sadness about her, despite the fact that she is leaving the nursing home in a few days. She believes in keeping her mind busy so she joins in on many of the activities, although she does not enjoy them. Eileen is a hoot. Alzheimer's has taken her memory, but not her sense of humor. When I was teasing my grandmother about something, she told me I didn't need to eat with them again. Eileen looked up from her soup and shouted , 'We didn't vote on that! She stays!'. Jackie agreed. My grandmother looked across the table at me with a little grin. It made her happy that the other ladies liked me.

It was really a nice visit, but I found myself fighting back tears as I wheeled her back to her room. My visits at once every two weeks, are too seldom. I keep trying to carve out more time for her and work and kids and the rest of my life just keeps getting in the way. I am trying to get to know the 'new' her. And enjoy the time I have left with her.