Rice ecru fuck

She's slipping further away. She still knows me, thank god, but her level of confusion is increasing and she vacillates between irritation and apathy. Today's visit was typical of most, we played cards, she ate some of the snacks I brought her, repeatedly asked me to turn off her bedside lamp (her electrical bill was very high she said) and told me in detail about the large animals that jump from tree to tree. She was so gentle when describing them, these imaginary creatures that are alive only in her mind. She was almost peaceful.

I discovered shortly after arriving in her room today that her wheelchair wasn't working. The wheels were stuck. I asked her to sit on the bed and I got a nurse and explained the problem. No, she said, it's fine. No, I insisted, it is not fine, come see. I had dragged the wheelchair into the hallway so as not to upset my grandmother. After a brief back and forth with two nurse it was agreed that she indeed did need a new chair. They said a request had to be put in with PT. That sounded like it would take awhile. I really need her to have a new chair before I leave, I said. I can't have her stuck in her room.

We finished our card game just shy of 11:00 and I knew I had to leave soon and still, no sign of the new chair. I told my grandma I'd be right back and marched down to the nurses station. I was fully prepared to do my best Shirley MacLaine-Terms of Endearment melt down. The nurse who I had spoken to earlier saw me and I think could tell I meant business. Before I could launch into my tirade she said she'd be right down to my grandma's room with a chair. 

Five minutes later I was pushing her down the hall in a loaner chair towards the elevator which would take us to the second floor where Sunday word games were taking place. When we got there the word 'Firetruck' was printed on the large dry erase board and the residents were trying to see how many words they could make from the letters in the word. There was a large list already started and my grandma wasted no time shouting out "rice", "truce", and "ecru". I was so proud of her. And also silently praying that she would not yell out "fuck", as that was the first word my mind made.

When it was time to leave, always sooner than I wanted to, always feeling guilty, I leaned over and gave her a kiss and promised I'd be back soon. No matter how often I visit, it never feels like enough. 

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