How is my oldest child eight years old? And how am I (much) closer to forty than thirty? I have been divorced far longer than I was married. In the past five years I have logged more time with regulars at my restaurants then I have with my extended family.
Life is not how I thought it would be, it's simply what it is.
I know that it is all going by far too quickly for my liking. When I had my first baby a man that I had once babysat for told me to enjoy it, he said the days go by so slowly and the years go by so quickly. At the time I had a very sick baby who barely slept and cried all day. I couldn't wait for these days to be over, I had no ability to savor the moment, I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
The next two years, adding another baby to the family, selling a house, opening a restaurant, moving twice.....did not encourage me to slow down and soak in the details of every day. Not to say I was unhappy, quite the opposite. But everything seemed like work, tasks I had to accomplish in order to keep the train on the tracks. I had gone from zero kids to two kids in 19 months, as well as becoming a business owner. It was a lot to take in.
And now what I wouldn't give to have one of my girls be a toddler again. Or go back eight years and have my grandmother back. As I was rocking Crosby to sleep last night I remembered a CPR certification pin I found in my grandma's jewelry box a few weeks ago. I was surprised to see it because I don't remember her ever talking about being certified. I wondered if she did it when my grandpa was very sick. And then I thought I should call her and ask......and then I remembered. It made me hold my breath for a second, the realization that I can't just pick up the phone and call her. It's what I've said about Alzheimer's many times before on this blog, that it is a slow death for the family where you lose the person you love little by little.
One of my friends lost her sister this week, suddenly, with very little warning. It is a reminder to me how fragile life is and how deeply loss is felt when a loved one is gone.
Rest in Peace Paige Thomas.
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