I was just reading about Laurie Anderson's experience being there as Lou Reed died. His final moments. Holding him as his heart stopped beating, and how proud she felt and how full of wonder he looked. It sounds absolutely beautiful. I wonder if that is what it will really be like?
My mother and I talk a few times a day. Everyday. We have for my entire life. Recently I have begun to feel a little anxious if I see her call at an unexpected time. I think she will be delivering bad news. And bad news not just being that my grandmother has died. There are degrees of bad news. I am waiting for the day to come when I go to visit and she no longer recognizes me. For now things seem to have stabilized health wise. She is safe and miserable. That's it.
But as always, I am trying to find the good in all of this, and that is my mother. She has been amazing. She has spent countless hours, many more than me, at doctor's offices and rehab centers and social security offices and on the phone with banks and government agencies. I am so very proud of her. She has taught me how to be a good mother and a good daughter. I know that there is no escaping it, that one day my mother will die. It terrifies me to imagine the day that I will wake up and not have her to call. I will be lost without her. I love you mama.
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